I stand before you this week to tell you that misconceptions about my holy life have arisen. I must make this clear: in all the good works on my path to sexual enlightenment, I have never been dogging. I can only presume that you willfully misread my post about digging. I was merely in the car to have a spot of lunch in a secluded lay-by. My intentions were pure and honourable and I have no idea where the filthy paparazzi scum were hiding. The photographs may have looked compromising but I assure you it was simply that I had dropped half a sandwich in the passenger footwell and had to kneel down to retrieve it. The surprised expression on my face is because I banged my head on the gearstick as I was getting up again. Let's stop this nonsense immediately or I'll be forced to excommunicate the filthy lot of you.