Teh Wible According to Crack House Ceilidh Band

On divinity

2009-03-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

QOTW, in the third part of a dire question trinity (though I liked all the cock stories last week), asks you dirty sinners for your tales of G*d.

Let's get this straight: there is no god.

Let us consider the evidence. If there was a god, I'd be amply rewarded for my services to mankind. I'd be cavorting naked with the bloke of my dreams on a bed of money while cherabim and seraphim fed me grapes and played a little light lute music. Instead I have a hangover and didn't get more than some leg fondling (mid-thigh) last night. This huge amount of compelling and incontrovertible evidence means it's SCIENCE and I have thus proved that god does not exist. FACT.

Hope lies in me, your new friggin' Messiah. When I'm done saving your miserable souls I'll get cracking on global warming. Oh yes, and thou shalt not have any false gods before me. Enzyme is a Saint, not a deity, and he's going to find himself decanonised sharpish if he pretends otherwise.

On rules and their imposition

2009-01-25T12:02:00.000-08:00

Rules? RULES? On b3ta? For QOTW? Throw me a feckin' bone. I'm breaking my vow of silence to bring you this little rant.

God had a few of those rule things. Ten of the little fuckers. That's ten too many for me. He handily condensed it into this: love yourself and love others. Your New Friggin' Messiah has a shorter version: love yourself. Really love yourself. Love yourself right now, with both hands.

As to rules on QOTW? Calm down dear, it's only the Internet.

To render His anger with fury, And His rebuke with flames of fire

2008-06-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

I warned you! I warned you people! Sodom and Gomorrah got what was coming to them, now the Great Fire of B3ta has brought the cleansing scent of brimstone to the wretched hive of scum and villainy that we like to call home.

Why has this happened? It's because of too many shit QOTW topic repeats. I said it would not go unpunished. Obviously, this week was a good topic and one that I was enjoying, but that doesn't mean past transgressions are forgotten. The only reason God didn't smite faster is that he was stuck for several weeks on a First Great Western train due to excess track flooding in the Swindon area.

If the b3ta overlords repent and keep bringing us new and improved QOTWs then there is no reason why this catastrophe should happen again. Also, if the police ask where I was at 4.55, you were all at Wible Study with me, okay?

The Sign of the Cock

2008-04-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Thanks be, Brother Kaol, Official Wible Artist:

(One of those hands has got an incredibly long finger.)
*awaits phrase "that's no finger!"*

The Martyrdom of St. Enzyme

2008-04-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

Saint Enzyme began to serve the poor and preach to the people about spelling and grammar. More and more people joined him. The high priests of the temple were jealous of Saint Enzyme's successes, and accused him of pedantry.

They took him in front of a judge. At the trial, Saint Enzyme kept on teaching about spelling and grammar. He told the judges that they were hard-hearted and ill-educated. When the crowd heard this, everyone became so angry that they stopped the trial, dragged Saint Enzyme outside and threw rock-cakes at him.

Saint Enzyme forgave the people who were stoning him, and asked that they not be punished for their ignorance. Then he died when a sultana lodged in his brain. Saint Enzyme was the first martyr in the Wible, the first person to die because he loved spelling and grammar so much that he wouldn't stop talking about them.

(All similarities to Interweb accounts of the life of Saint Stephen are obviously coincidental. St. Enzyme also preached against plagarism, and rightly so.)

Sermon for the (QOT)Week

2008-04-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

Beloved acolytes,

I stand before you this week to tell you that misconceptions about my holy life have arisen. I must make this clear: in all the good works on my path to sexual enlightenment, I have never been dogging. I can only presume that you willfully misread my post about digging. I was merely in the car to have a spot of lunch in a secluded lay-by. My intentions were pure and honourable and I have no idea where the filthy paparazzi scum were hiding. The photographs may have looked compromising but I assure you it was simply that I had dropped half a sandwich in the passenger footwell and had to kneel down to retrieve it. The surprised expression on my face is because I banged my head on the gearstick as I was getting up again. Let's stop this nonsense immediately or I'll be forced to excommunicate the filthy lot of you.

The Devil in our Midst

2008-04-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

To paraphrase Newton, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So, for every joyous attempt at self-abuse there is someone who will destroy our libidos. My good flock, that is none other than Alan Titwank, Gardener of Doom.

Beware this man. Beware his forked tongue, for he uses it not to pleasure others. Beware his tedious television programmes and his scaly tail and his pointy and equally scaly teeth and his ability to render impotent the lusty and the lecherous.

I can protect you from this man. Accept me into your hearts and send quite a lot of money to my accountants. I will then psychically generate an invisible force-field around your genitals that will be impervious to the evil deeds of Alan Titwank.

The Passion of St. Mimsy

2008-04-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

Today is the feast day of St. Mimsy, the patron saint of ladygardens. St. Mimsy was born in London in 854AD. As a child she performed her first miracle: the healing of a diseased womble that sought refuge in her family's hovel. She gained a reputation for her love of nature. As a nubile sixteen year old she began to hear voices that told her she should devote her life to the calling of physical love. Inspired by the beauty of nature, she cultivated a well-maintained ladygarden which she devoted to her cause. It was rumoured that anyone entering her ladygarden would rise again in the Second Coming. St. Mimsy was martyred during the Sexual Revolution of 886AD.

A month of masturbation

2008-04-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

This week marks the month's anniversary of the First B3ta Flashwank. Exclamations of joy are offered and we invoke the intercession of Saint Enzyme the Holy Wholly Righteous.

The choir this week will be led by Brother Kaol.

A sacrificial offering will be made of by teh Sexmonkey.

chickenlady will be instructing the Vestal Not-so-much-Virgins in Erotic Composition.

The Holy Calendar of teh B3ta Sex Fiends

2008-04-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

The world was created in seven days. We celebrate those through the gift of physical love:

Muff-diving Monday
S&M Tuesday
Wanking Wednesday
Naked Thursday
Anal Friday
~~Shit-on-your-chest~~ Spanking Saturday
Blow Job Sunday

Rejoice! Rejoice! And spread the legs.

Thought for the Day

2008-04-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Doubting Thomas*

Why did Thomas insist that he had to touch himself? Wasn’t seeing himself enough? He had to touch himself in order to be healed. He had seen others healed by touching themselves. Some of these were healed by touching just the hem of their robe, so strong was their faith. But Thomas’ faith was so weak that he had to touch himself.

*for 'Thomas', read 'althegeordie'.

Order of Service for Wanking Wednesday

2008-04-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

Congregation all rise, fnar fnar.

Celebrant: Dearly, dearly self-loving, we are gathered here today to celebrate the wonder of Wanking Wednesday, to reaffirm our belief in our own bodies and to live again through the resurrection of our libido.

First reading: Book of Genitals, Chapter 1, verse 11-13:
"And lo, it came to pass that on the third day, a Wednesday, the Board was quiet and the people said 'why is this QOTW so shit? Why can we not talk of interesting things?'. And their cry was heard and they did commence to show their love for themselves. And their cries were heard throughout the land."
This is the word of the loins.
Thanks ~~be to~~ b3ta loins.

Offertory hymn:
I love myself; I want you to love me
When I feel down; I want you above me
I search myself; I want you to find me
I forget myself; I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
Ooh I don't want anybody else Oh no, oh no, oh no

You're the one who makes me come runnin'
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughin'
I want to make you mine

I close my eyes and see you before me
Think I would die if you were to ignore me
A fool could see just how much I adore you
I'd get down on my knees; I'd do anything for you

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
ahh ohh i don't want anybody else
oh no oh on oh no yeah

I love myself; I want you to love me
When I feel down; I want you above me
I search myself; I want you to find me
I forget myself; I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
ahh ohh i don't want anybody else
oh no oh no oh no

I want you
I don't want anybody else
and when i think about you; i touch myself
ooh ooOoh ooOoh aaaaahhhh

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
Ooh I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself

I touch myself
I touch myself
I touch myself
I touch myself
I touch myself
I touch myself

I honestly do
I touch myself
I touch myself

Wine and rock-cakes are served orally.

Congregation offer the sign of peace, first taking care to check that hands are clean.

Teh Wible: Book of Genitals, Chapter 1

2008-04-02T07:45:00.001-07:00

In the beginning there was the word, and the word was "wank". That sums this up nicely, really.